Anna and Troy’s Weblog

Disclaimer: FilmChris, if my last post about baby poop caused you to question the relevance of this blog to your life, this next one is going to push you right over the edge. Sorry, in advance.

There are many many things that one does in preparation for the arrival of a new baby: decorate the nursery, take childbirth classes, buy diapers…..the list goes on and on. Well, one of the things that a number of women whispered to me behind the backs of the menfolk, was to make sure that I had an ample supply of giant cushy maxi pads for myself at the house. That way, upon my return from the hospital, I wouldn’t have to send my poor husband to wander helplessly  through the feminine hygiene isle of Target.

Well, for those of you that know me, you can guess what I did. I went out and bought the entire feminine hygiene isle at Target. Anything with any amalgamation of the words “super” and “absorbent” went in my cart. BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW! Heaven forbid that I should be UNPREPARED and not possess the ONE PRODUCT that I would inevitably need. For those of you that don’t know, in Anna-land, there is a special corner of hell where the souls wander around feeling UNPREPARED and are propetually LATE FOR AN APPOINTMENT. GASP! GASP! THE HORROR! I know……you can send sympathy emails to my poor husband at ihaveaneuroticwife@yahoo.com.

You can shake your head at me all you want, but I was prepared!

• Side Note: For those of you that have not perused the feminine hygiene isle lately, they have made some incredible advances in maxi pad technology! The maxi pads of my youth (resembling large cotton ball filled pillow cases with a strips of adhesive on the backs) no longer exist. They have been replaced with the sleek, thin, ultra absorbent, winged, maxi pads of the future!

Then I discovered that the maxi pads that they have at the hospital were FAR superior to anything that an ordinary non-MD-ed person could get their hands on in the real world. These were special maxi pads, not available to the general public.

And as Sarah Palin would say, “You betcha!” I left the hospital with a bunch of those super special hospital maxi pads packed neatly and securely in my luggage (it isn’t stealing when they give them to you).

I have to say that in those first couple of weeks my maxi pad stockpile did make me feel secure and calm. Not only was everything that I could possibly need right at my finger tips, but I had options! It was like a mini-shopping experience every time I looked under the bathroom sink.

And now we come to the “dilemma” section of the story.

What do I do with all those stupid maxi pads? Needless to say, I didn’t come anywhere close to using all of my stockpile. So now I have a cupboard full of giant maxi pads that will never be used. But I can’t bring myself to throw them away because I spent perfectly good money on them (lots of it) and they are PERFECTLY GOOD MAXI PADS! What an inexcusable waste!

I am guessing that I don’t have any friends that use giant maxi pads on a regular basis, and I am fairly sure that it is generally considered a social faux pas to randomly approach pregnant strangers and offer them your almost full, but opened packages of Super Plus Ultra Absorbent Nighttime Always Maxi Pads with Wings.

So what do I do with all those dumb maxi pads? They have been cluttering up my bathroom cupboard for the past six months, and I am starting to get pretty sick of them taking up valuable bathroom space…..

I suppose if these are the questions that vex my mind, I should seriously contemplate GETTING A LIFE. Not only have I wasted time thinking about this stupid and frivolous problem, but I have wasted the last half an hour writing about it, which in turn has prompted YOU to waste your time reading about it.

Just in case you had any doubt – Damn, it is good to be an American. In many parts of the world they don’t have the ability to adequately manage their sewage. They have no toilets, much less toilet paper….and here I am, sitting on my couch, typing on my laptop, wondering how to dispose of my maxi pad stockpile. Let me say it again, “Damn. It is good to be an American.”